Tag Archives: ramblings

Broken

How many years I’ve carried this body,
And how long its carried me-
An intrinsic facet of my existence
And my identity.

How its struggled from the womb
Targeted while tender,
A bullseye-birthmark stained through systems-
And genes- and gender.

How long pain has walked in stride,
Fingers clasped in mine,
Wracked from earliest childhood,
Constant yet, through time,

Wrecked still, the crawling pain
Shudders my skin awake,
While the cold chill grasping
Does not alleviate my ache.

Bedfellows we’ve been
Thirty-eight years to strive-
One day we both shall die,
But after, only I will come alive!

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Sangria and angrier

More than a year, it takes
on a single hand
to count these nights.
The foundations shake,
coldness expands,
and I’ve abandoned trying to make it right;
I only try to outlast the hours.
I can, but he has deadfall traps
constructed in his soul.
The bait entices, he devours,
snapping jowls and swallowed scraps,
until the trigger takes its toll.
I forget the Viking even exists.
He’s a stranger here, hard to know,
subdued by character and discipline
but when he took my wrist
and didn’t let go,
I realized he was here again.
His Achilles isn’t in his heel,
you’ll find it in his blood-soaked genes:
An heirloom-trap passed on in grief.
Still angry, I asked him how he feels.
“Good,” he replied, like being mean
brought some long-anticipated relief.
I know his decisions are his alone,
and generally he loves me too well,
but these nights leave me unsettled and concerned-
Is resentment hiding, ingrown,
waiting for the chance to swell?
He wouldn’t be the first good man I’ve turned.

Does loving me require the odd glass?
A little something to feel right-
a drink, an escape, an evening of bitter regret?
It’ll be months before the next trespass.
Tomorrow we’ll forget tonight,
But I can’t forget it yet.


On Calling Out and Crawling Off

I measure these frailties
Against the scale
Of Your majesty:
My fears are a travesty.

An accumulation of tragedies
Becomes a bag of excuses,
A candy jar of delusions
Dampening the effusive,

Dwelling in exclusions.
The conclusion to trust
Won’t make it so, but
Baby steps make forward thrusts

In my guts
I believe and I resist
I escape and I enlist
I surrender, I sulk, I subsist

I speak and, sometimes, I listen.
Protect me in my frailties, and even in my sin,
Guard what even I can’t defend,
For You are The God, and my friend.


Resurrection Serenade

She sent me her soul,
Her song, and I sing it
In the dark I linger
Ancient sparks flowing

Lost years crooning
The vibrato rythyms we all
Tapped out on our prison walls
Our stretched voices in tune

Sing.
Sing these lost years,
Like velvet green leaves
Ripped from spring trees
The storms appear,
And we dissipate, but

We do not disappear.
We suffer loss, yes, and torn limbs,
But we live again, and
Our song is here.


Implausible Deniability

All my life I’ve heard
Who I ought to be,
What I must deserve,
And how I should believe

And believe, I do
From the core of who I am
Whatever facets I eschew
Change not the slightest gram

Of the rock that won’t erode,
And the hand that can’t release-
I know that I know that I know;
I believe what I believe.

Then why don’t I conform?
This I cannot say.
The world, to me, feels worn-
And an infantile display

Of youthful promenading
Feathers flaunting wide
Perpetual self-serenading:
A ballad of blinded pride.

I don’t have the energy,
Nor the desire,
To bow to pop-liturgy
Or lift myself higher-

All my oddities abound,
I see they keep me alone.
I wander the hard ground
Ever out of home-

Even these I speak of plainly
I do not dream as accusation
The lone state that pains me
Is of my own creation

Unwilling, or else unable,
To put aside where I am bent-
I don’t fit into the label-
Does that mean I can’t be sent?

Yet in my diminished condition-
Here am I.
Beyond trend or tradition,
I ever testify.

It all boils down to these:
I am, I exist as I, and I believe.
Whatever else they may say of me
Cannot negate these three.


Let It Be

He loves you.
Quietly I came these many miles,
In the dark and nameless,
Wringing out my smiles
In shameless complacency
To hear someone say to me,
“He loves you.”

He’s been saying it for years.
Too good to be true some days,
But that can’t undo His decision
Who am I to appraise
His vision of devotion
Or the ocean of His patience
I’ve been swimming in for years,

Treading through
For the glimpse, the whisper,
“He loves you.”


Fear

Fear is the beast that ever gnaws
A gaping, jagged throat
Churning and swallowing,
In salivating gloat

Over the next meal.